Free tool for actors
Comedic Monologues for Men: 20 Funny Male Pieces
These 20 original comedic monologues for men run from a 15 year old defending his group chat to a 60 something guarding his grill from a smoker with Wi-Fi. Some are pure comedy, some seriocomic with a real turn. Each has a setup and a running time estimate. Filter by age and length, then copy or print.
Written and reviewed by ScriptLix Editorial
In short
A comedic monologue for men works when the character is deadly serious about a small problem, like bargaining with a smoke alarm at 3 a.m. These 20 originals run from teens to 60s, with setups and running times.
Comedic monologues for men
Showing 20 of 20. All original, written for ScriptLix. Running times are estimates at 140 spoken words a minute. Time yourself out loud.
- ComedicMaleTeen1 to 2 minutesGood for teens
Parallel
Owen, 16, to the driving examiner who has just failed him. He wants to retake the test today, right now, before his dad finds out.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Okay, so before you hand me that form, can we talk about the cone? Because I want to be clear that I saw the cone. I respect the cone. The cone and I had an understanding, and then the cone moved.
No, I know cones do not move on their own. I am saying the wind was a factor.
Look, my dad is in the waiting room. He took a half day for this. He wore his lucky shirt, which is a shirt with a fish on it that says "Reel Cool Dad," and he wore it in public, for me. If I walk out there with that piece of paper, he is going to say "That's all right, buddy," in the voice. You do not know the voice. The voice is worse than yelling.
So here is what I am proposing. One more lap. Just the parking part. You do not even have to get back in the car. You can stand outside and watch from a safe distance, like a scientist.
I will signal. I will check every mirror twice. I will park so straight you will want to frame it.
Please. For the fish shirt.
198 words, about 1 min 25 sec spoken (estimate)
- SeriocomicMaleTeen1 to 2 minutesGood for teens
Eulogy for Biscuit
Theo, 13, at a backyard funeral for his hamster, speaking to his parents and little sister. He wants them to stop smirking and take it seriously.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Thank you all for coming. Dad, please take your hands out of your pockets. This is a funeral.
Biscuit was two years and four months old, which in hamster years is basically ninety. So he had a full life. He ran an estimated six thousand miles on his wheel. I did the math. He never got anywhere, but he never stopped trying, and I think there's a lesson there for all of us. Especially Ava, who quit piano.
Biscuit was not a cuddly hamster. He bit me eleven times. But he only bit when he was scared, and honestly, same.
Some people said he was just a hamster. Grandpa said that. Grandpa can say what he wants. Grandpa did not hear Biscuit run on his wheel every night at three in the morning while I was awake worrying about middle school. That squeak was the only thing in the house that was up when I was.
So now it's quiet. Which everyone wanted. You all complained about the squeak.
I don't know. I'm going to miss the squeak.
Ava, you can put the flower down now. Mom, you can say something if you want. It's okay if it's short.
199 words, about 1 min 25 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minute
Some Assembly Required
Darnell, 30s, sitting on the floor of a new apartment, to his partner, who has offered to read the instructions. He wants to finish the bookshelf himself.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
No. Put the booklet down. Put it down. I don't need the booklet. The booklet is for people who don't believe in themselves.
I have assembled this bookshelf in my mind several times. I know its heart.
Yes, there is one screw left over. That happens. That's a bonus screw. They throw that in to make you feel rich.
What do you mean it's leaning? It's not leaning. It's relaxed. It's a relaxed bookshelf. We're relaxed people. It fits our energy.
Okay, it's leaning a little.
Here's what you need to understand. When I was a kid, my father built our entire back porch with no plans, no help and one hammer. He talked about it for twenty years. "I built that porch." Every barbecue. Every holiday. The porch was his whole personality.
I just want one thing. One small wooden thing in this apartment that I can point to at a party and say, I made that.
Hand me the booklet. Don't watch.
164 words, about 1 min 10 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale20s to 30s1 to 2 minutesGood for teens
The Free Trial
Ben, 30s, at the front desk of a gym, to a cheerful sales rep. He wants to cancel the membership he signed up for in January.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Hi. Great. Hi, Kyle. I'm here to cancel my membership. No, I don't want to talk about my goals. My goal is to cancel my membership.
Yes, I know about the smoothie bar. I have had the smoothie. It's very green. It tasted like a lawn that was trying its best.
I signed up in January. January me was a different person. January me thought he was going to wake up at five and do something called a "burpee." January me did not understand that a burpee is basically falling down on purpose and then getting up angry.
I have been here three times. Twice was to use the bathroom on my way to the bakery next door.
No, I don't want to freeze it. I don't want to pause it. I don't want to transfer it to a loved one. I would never do that to a loved one.
Kyle. Look at me. I have been charged forty dollars a month for ten months. That's four hundred dollars. I could have bought a treadmill. I could have bought a treadmill, and not used it, at home, in comfort.
Where do I sign? Don't smile at me. Just give me the pen.
202 words, about 1 min 27 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale20s to 30s1 to 2 minutes
Fourteen Index Cards
Raj, late 20s, the best man, in a hallway outside the ceremony, to the groom. Raj has lost the ring and wants the groom to stay calm while he explains.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Okay. Buddy. Big day. Big, beautiful day. Before we walk in there, I need you to take three deep breaths with me. In. Out. Great. You're doing amazing.
Nothing is wrong.
I say that because I am about to tell you something, and it will sound like something is wrong.
The ring is temporarily not with me. It is somewhere. It exists. Rings do not vanish, that's physics. It is in this building, almost certainly, and I have a strong theory that it is inside the ring bearer.
No, not swallowed. He's four, not a goat. It's in his pocket. One of his pockets. He has eleven pockets. Your aunt bought him cargo pants for a wedding, which is a choice I will be discussing with her later.
He's currently hiding under the gift table because he thinks this is a game, and I've decided not to correct him, because if he knows it's important, he'll never come out.
So I need you to go in there, stand at the front and look romantic. I'm going to crawl under a table in a rented tux and negotiate.
I wrote fourteen index cards for my speech tonight. Not one of them prepared me for this.
204 words, about 1 min 27 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale40s plus1 to 2 minutes
The Technical Round
Frank, 50s, a contestant on a televised baking competition, to the head judge, who is staring at his collapsed cake. He wants to avoid elimination.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Before you taste it, I want to tell you what it was supposed to be. Because that matters. Intention matters.
It was supposed to be a three tier lemon chiffon with a raspberry ribbon. Tall. Proud. A cake that walks into a room and people stand up.
What you're looking at is the same cake. Lying down.
It got tired. It was a long day for everyone.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Frank, a cake is supposed to stand. But I would say, in my defense, that the flavor is all still there. It's just closer together. It's concentrated. You get every layer in one bite, which, if you think about it, is efficient.
I'm a plumber. I've been baking for eighteen months. My daughter signed me up for this show as a joke, and then I got in, and now I have a fan club. It's six people at my church. But they're very loyal. They made shirts.
Taste it. Go ahead. Use the big spoon.
And if you send me home, tell me it was the structure, not the lemon. I'm very proud of the lemon.
191 words, about 1 min 22 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale20s to 30s1 to 2 minutes
Floss Honesty
Jordan, 20s, in the dentist's chair, to his dentist, who has just asked whether he flosses. He wants her to believe that he does.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Do I floss? Yes. Absolutely. Every day. Almost every day. Most days that end in a y.
Why? Is there blood? A little blood is normal. That's just the gums saying hello.
Okay, here's the truth, and I want to be honest with you, because you have a sharp metal tool very close to my face. I flossed last night. Before that, I flossed six months ago, the night before my last appointment. I'm like a student who only studies the night before the test. And every time, I tell myself, this is the year. I buy the mint kind. I buy the little picks. I put them by the sink, where I can see them. And they just watch me brush. Every night. Disappointed.
I don't know what it is. It's thirty seconds. I can run a mile. I filed my own taxes. But that string defeats me.
So no. I don't floss. I'm a liar and my gums know it.
Can you give me the lecture anyway? The real one. With the pictures. I think I need to be scared.
182 words, about 1 min 18 sec spoken (estimate)
- SeriocomicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minute
Custody of the Dog
Greg, 30s, in a divorce mediator's office, to the mediator, with his soon to be ex wife sitting across the table. He has agreed to everything except the dog, and wants the dog.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
She can have the house. I said that already. She can have the car, the good blender, the couch we fought about for three weekends at the furniture store. Take it. All of it.
But not Waffles.
I know he was technically her birthday present. I know that. But who walks him at six in the morning? Me. Who sat with him on the kitchen floor during the Fourth of July fireworks for two hours while he shook like a leaf? Me. Who knows that he only eats the dry food if you say "good boy" in a British accent? Me. She doesn't even know about the accent.
Look. I'm not trying to win. We stopped trying to win a while ago, she and I. We're just tired.
But when I come home to that apartment, I need one thing to be happy to see me.
Just one. Please. He doesn't care about the blender.
155 words, about 1 min 6 sec spoken (estimate)
- SeriocomicMale40s plusAbout 1 minute
Dad's Pancakes
Phil, 40s, a single father, at the kitchen stove on a Saturday morning, to his teenage daughter, who has barely spoken in a week. He wants her to tell him what's wrong.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Morning. I made pancakes. Shaped like Mickey Mouse. I know you're sixteen. I know. But your mother used to make them like this and I thought maybe the ears would help.
They did not come out like Mickey Mouse. That one looks like a potato with ambitions.
So. Big week. You've said, I counted, eleven words to me since Monday. Four of them were "fine." Two were "whatever." One was "Dad," but in the voice that means "please stop existing."
I'm not going to make you talk. I read a book. Well, I read the back of a book. It said to give teenagers space. So here's your space. It's next to the syrup.
But I'm also going to stand right here and flip pancakes until you're ready. I have flour for, I'd say, three more days.
Whatever it is, I'm on your side. Even if it's my fault. Especially if it's my fault.
Eat a potato.
157 words, about 1 min 7 sec spoken (estimate)
- SeriocomicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minute
The Attic Box
Kevin, 30s, in his late parents' attic, to his sister, who is ruthlessly sorting everything into keep and donate piles. Kevin wants to keep a box of ridiculous things.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
You can't donate that. Put it down. That's the bird lamp. You don't donate the bird lamp.
Yes, I know it's ugly. It's horrifying. It's a ceramic pelican with a light bulb in its mouth. But Dad won it at the county fair throwing rings at bottles, and he carried it to the car like it was a newborn. Mom made him keep it in the garage for ten years. And then one Christmas she put it on the mantel with a bow on it, and he cried. Real tears. Over a pelican.
I know what you're doing. You're being practical. You're going fast because if you go slow you'll fall apart. I know because you've done it since we were kids.
But I want this box. The pelican. The bowling trophy. Mom's terrible puzzle with three pieces missing.
Give me the box, Jen. Go slow with me. Just for this one.
152 words, about 1 min 5 sec spoken (estimate)
- SeriocomicMale40s plusAbout 1 minute
Grandpa Learns to Text
Walter, 80s, on the couch, to his college age grandson, who is visiting for the weekend. Walter has just learned to text and wants his grandson to text him back more often.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Sit down. Sit. I want to show you something. Look at this. Look at my phone.
I sent you a message on Tuesday. See? "Hello grandson stop how is school stop." Your grandmother said I don't need to write "stop." I like the stop. It's very clear.
And you sent back a little yellow face with the tongue out. That's it. What does that mean? Is that good? Are you sick?
I've been learning. Your cousin Annie showed me the little pictures. I can do the thumbs up now. I can do the cake. I sent your aunt a cake for her birthday and she called me crying.
Here's my point. I'm eighty one. I don't need a phone call. I know you're busy. You've got your girlfriend and your exams and your band.
Just send me something. Once a week. A picture of your lunch. A word.
I'll send back the thumbs. I'm very good at the thumbs.
159 words, about 1 min 8 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMaleTeenAbout 1 minuteGood for teens
The Permission Slip
Noah, 14, at the kitchen table, to his mother, who has just been handed a permission slip for an overnight class trip to a science museum. He wants her to sign it without asking a single question.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Okay, so before you read it, I want to say that it's educational. That's the main thing. Very educational. The word "science" is in the title.
It's one night. At the science museum. We sleep under the dinosaur. Under it, Mom. Not on it. They're very clear about that.
Yes, there's a fee. It's forty dollars. But that includes dinner, breakfast and a flashlight tour, which is basically a class. It's like forty dollars for a class.
I know what you're going to say. You're going to say "remember the last trip." The aquarium was not my fault. That penguin was already out when I got there.
I've done all my homework. I took out the trash without being asked. Twice. I folded towels. I folded them wrong, but I folded them.
Please just sign it. Right there. Where it says "parent." You're a parent. You're the best parent.
Thank you. I love you. Don't call Mr. Hughes.
158 words, about 1 min 8 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minuteGood for teens
Six Chirps
Luis, 30s, standing on a kitchen chair at three in the morning, to the smoke detector chirping for a new battery. He has no battery, and he wants a ceasefire until the hardware store opens.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Okay. I hear you. Everybody in the building hears you.
Here's where we are. It's three in the morning. I don't have a nine volt battery. Nobody has a nine volt battery. I have double A's. I have a watch battery from a car key. I have the battery out of the TV remote, which I'm holding up to you right now as a sign of respect.
You chirp every forty seconds. I counted. I've been on this chair for six chirps.
So here's my offer. You stop until seven. At seven, I walk to the hardware store in my pajamas and buy you the nicest battery they sell. Name brand. Gold top.
Deal? You're thinking about it. I respect that.
Thirty eight. Thirty nine.
No. Come on.
128 words, about 55 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale40s plusAbout 1 minuteGood for teens
Ninety One Minutes
Walter, 60s, on the phone with his internet company, after ninety one minutes on hold, to the first human who picks up. He wants a technician at his house today, and he has a reason.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Hello? A person. You're a person. Say something only a person would say. Okay, that's good enough.
Ma'am, I've been on hold ninety one minutes. I know the hold music better than my wedding song. It's a flute. The same eight seconds of flute. Around minute forty I started harmonizing. My wife left the room.
I've turned the router off and on. I've turned it off and on angrily. I unplugged the gray cable, the white cable, and a cable I now think belongs to the lamp.
Here's the situation. My granddaughter has a dance recital tonight in Phoenix. They're streaming it. She's a tree. She has one line. The tree says "Behold."
I need to see the tree say behold.
So I don't need a ticket number. I need a man in a van. Today.
And if you put me back on hold, I'll know that flute is laughing at me.
152 words, about 1 min 5 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minute
The Bathroom Membership
Kevin, 30s, at the front desk of a gym, to the young staff member, trying to cancel a membership he has paid for twenty six months and used twice. He wants out, with his dignity.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Hi. I'd like to cancel my membership. No, I don't need to talk to Trent. I've talked to Trent. Trent is very convincing. That's why I'm still a member.
Let me save us both some time. I've been a member for twenty six months. I've been inside this building twice. Once for the tour. Once to use the bathroom during a parade.
I've paid you eight hundred and eleven dollars. That's a very expensive bathroom.
I know what you're going to say. There's a summer special. You'll throw in a free smoothie. I don't want the smoothie. Every smoothie here tastes like a lawn.
I'm not a gym person. I'm a guy who walks to the mailbox and feels proud of himself.
So hand me the form. I'll sign it. And you can tell Trent I was strong. Tell him I was so strong.
144 words, about 1 min 2 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMaleTeenAbout 1 minuteGood for teens
Group Chat Admin
Noah, 15, in the driveway, to his mom, who has just announced phones stay home for the family camping weekend. He wants to keep his phone, for the good of thirty one people.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Mom. I hear you. Phones stay home. Family time. Nature. I love nature.
But you don't understand my position. I'm the admin of the group chat. Thirty one people. If I'm gone for three days, nobody can add anybody. Nobody can stop anybody renaming it. Somebody already tried to rename it "Noah's Mom Drives Like a Grandma" while I was in the shower. In the shower, Mom. I had four minutes.
You don't know what these people are capable of.
So here's my offer. The phone stays in the tent. I check it twice a day. Morning and night. Like medicine.
And I'll do all the dishes. In the lake. With a sponge.
Wait, you can't wash dishes in a lake? See, I didn't know that. If I had my phone, I could look it up.
136 words, about 58 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minute
Which Knee
Dev, late 20s, in his living room, to his roommate Femi, who is standing in for Dev's girlfriend while Dev rehearses his marriage proposal. He wants Femi to take it seriously.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Okay, you're Anika. Stand there. No, Anika doesn't slouch. Anika has posture. Good.
So she walks in. I'm by the window. I turn around slowly, and I say "Anika." Don't laugh. If you laugh, I laugh, and if I laugh on the night, she'll think it's a prank.
Then I say the thing about the bus. When we met, she was on the wrong bus, and I told her, and she said "I know," and stayed on it anyway. Got off at my stop. Walked six blocks the wrong way just to keep talking.
Then I kneel. Which knee? It doesn't matter? It matters, Femi. One knee is proposing and the other knee is tying a shoe.
Then the ring. Where's the ring. It was in my hand. It was in my hand.
Nobody move. Nobody move. It's under the couch. Okay. From the top.
145 words, about 1 min 2 sec spoken (estimate)
- ComedicMale40s plusAbout 1 minute
The Dent
Ray, 60s, at a backyard cookout, to his son in law, who has just wheeled in an expensive new smoker that connects to an app. Ray wants it known who runs this grill. Then he wants to know how the app works.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
So that's the new smoker. It's very big. Does it have Wi-Fi? Of course it does. Mine has a lid.
Thirty four years I've stood at this grill. I've cooked through two hurricanes and a christening. I know where the hot spot is. Back left, by the dent from when Carol's brother backed into it.
And now you show up with a machine that texts you when the brisket's ready. A brisket shouldn't text. A brisket should make you wait and suffer.
I'm not upset. I'm curious. In a hostile way.
What's it say now? "Internal temperature one sixty five." It tells you the inside? Without cutting it open?
Huh.
Okay. Show me the app. Not because I'm switching. I'm looking. Don't tell Carol I asked. And move the cooler. You're blocking my dent.
134 words, about 57 sec spoken (estimate)
- SeriocomicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minute
The Brian Scarf
Jonah, 20s, in the kitchen during Sunday dinner, to his girlfriend's grandmother, who has called him Brian for two years. Tonight he has decided to correct her.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Mrs. Kowalski, can I have a minute? Before dessert?
I've been coming to Sunday dinner for two years. You've been very kind. You always give me the corner piece of lasagna. You knitted me a scarf. It says Brian on it.
My name is Jonah.
I know. I should have said something the first night. But you said "Brian, sit by me," and you looked so happy, and I thought, fine, one dinner. Then it was Easter. Then Christmas. Then your sister started calling me Brian. Then the priest.
Who is Brian? Was there a Brian? Your first husband. Oh. Oh no.
He was a good dancer? And he made you laugh. And he fixed the porch.
Okay. You know what. I'll take a look at the porch.
Brian will take a look at the porch.
136 words, about 58 sec spoken (estimate)
- SeriocomicMale20s to 30sAbout 1 minute
Drop Off
Sean, 30s, at daycare on his daughter's first morning, to her new teacher. His daughter has run off happily to play, and Sean can't quite leave.
Read the monologueHide the monologue
Okay. She's in. She didn't even look back. That's good. That's healthy.
Just a few things. She calls water "wa." She calls the dog "wa" too. You'll figure it out from context.
She naps on her left side. On her right, she wakes up angry, like a tiny landlord.
Her bunny is Mister Bunny. Not Bunny. Mister. She knows the difference.
If she cries, call me. I'm ten minutes away. I can be here in six.
She's not crying. She's built a tower. She's knocked it over onto that kid. Okay. That's her mother's side.
I'm going. I'm walking to the car.
Can I watch through the window for one minute? Just one. I won't wave.
116 words, about 50 sec spoken (estimate)
How to use it
- 1
Filter by age range first, so you can play the character today.
- 2
Pick a piece where the man wants something badly; the bigger the want, the funnier the struggle.
- 3
Read it out loud to a friend and keep the one where they laugh at the situation, not at a line you pushed.
What makes a comedic monologue funny in an audition?
Stakes. The man on the chair at 3 a.m. bargaining with a smoke alarm is not trying to be funny; he is trying to sleep. Play the problem as if your life depends on it and let the audience find the comedy. Mugging, winking and big voices tell the room you do not trust the writing.
Are there funny male monologues for teens?
Yes. Set the age filter to teen for pieces written for teenage boys, or see the teen monologues page for every piece that suits teen actors.
Should a comedic monologue have a serious moment?
The best ones do. A turn, where the joke cracks and something true shows, gives casting a look at range in under two minutes. The seriocomic pieces here are built that way: the man correcting a grandmother who has called him Brian for two years ends up fixing the porch.
Questions writers ask
Are these comedic monologues for men free?
Yes. They are original pieces, free to perform in auditions, classes and showcases.
How long are they?
About one to one and a half minutes spoken, estimated at 140 words a minute. Each card shows its own estimate.
What is the difference between comedic and seriocomic?
A comedic piece stays light. A seriocomic piece is funny on the surface with something sad or true underneath that surfaces near the end.
How do I keep a comedic monologue from feeling forced?
Play it straight. The character means every word and wants something specific, and the laughs come from how badly or how stubbornly he goes after it. Never wink at the audience.